Turns out, we can’t just tell our kids howto regulate emotion—we must show them. In fact, never in the history of theworld has telling somebody how to “calm down” or “use your words” beeneffective. I promise you, if you have ever been commanded to “calm down,” evenas a four-year old, rarely has the response been, “Gee, thanks, I’m perfectlyat ease now.”
Once our kids acquire language, we tend todo more telling than showing. We bark commands to them, particularly when we’restressed or “flipped.” We say things like, “Relax!” or “What is wrong withyou?” We get frustrated when the children around us are not regulated or whenthey “lose it.”
Here are 5 things to do instead oftelling our kids to “relax” during a tantrum or meltdown:
Remind yourself that emotionalregulation takes practice. You can’t give awaysomething you’ve never received. The chaos is necessary to learn the calm.Don’t avoid it.
Eyes on. Lookinto the eyes of this child and say their name. This act alone can beincredibly powerful, especially when compared to a lot of our go-to's (likerolling our eyes or throwing our hands up).
Stop for a snack. Feed them, and they will come (around). If you’re able, stop for aglass of water and offer the kid something to eat. It might feel weird, butremember, you can’t flip your lid when you’re chewing or swallowing.
Acknowledge and validate. Address their big emotions by saying, “I can see that you’re upset”or “It’s okay to be angry,” which will instantly make them feel seen and heard.
Diffuse and breathe deep. After the first 3 steps, try this one. The best way to diffusesomeone who is fired up is a hug, a handhold, or humour. Take a deep breathyourself.
Keep in mind that meltdowns are normal,they are supposed to happen. It’s a kid’s job to lose their mind—they aresupposed to be testing boundaries and exploring new emotional territory.Meltdowns are never indicative of a “bad kid” or “bad parenting”.
